Pain and letting go.

Wow!  It just took me an hour to get into my account!  I guess that means it has been WAY too long since I have last blogged!  Sorry any followers who are still following me...

So it's been a year an a half since I last posted.  Too Long.  I have been through a lot in that time, not a lot of which I remember...  but I don't want to go over it all anyway.  Kids have grown, dinner has been made, school has started, ended, and started again, money has been made and spent, family has enlarged, joy and tragedy has happened, friends have been made and lost...  Many things have happened.  Life has happened.

The thing that has been on my mind most lately is friendship.  One friend in particular.  We actually met as babies/small children, but didn't actually start a friendship until we were 14.  We have been inseparable best friends since then and even through distance separated us a lot of the time, we maintained our friendship.  Through phone calls mostly and then when Facebook came out, that way.   We went through everything together.  High school, dances, dating, marriage, pregnancies, babies, medical issues, divorce, family tragedies, ... everything!  Then one year, I got a new sister-in-law.  Pretty much immediately they didn't get along.  It was fine though because they didn't have much opportunity to speak to or see one another anyway.  I would talk to one, I would talk to the other.  My sister in law and I were fast becoming close friends.  Which normally is fine, my best friend and I each have other friends, we haven't been jealous of the others friends in any other instance.  But... my SIL, well she is a strong personality, and she is a caller.  I'm more of a quiet personality and I'm not a caller.  I don't call people.  Normally if I talk on the phone, I am not the caller.  My BFF also is a caller.  I can definitely hold my own in the talking department, I just don't usually initiate the call.  It has ALWAYS been this way!!!  But I guess it started to bug my BFF that I was talking to my SIL every day.  I actually don't know that, but I got that impression.  I don't know if she was jealous.  I imagine I would be if the situation were reversed.  And she dealt with it for a very long time quietly and without complaint.  Then there came a time that I had quite a large argument/fight with my SIL and I was hurt (and I'm sure she was too) and I vented to my BFF about it.  Mistake.  I should not have done that.  It wasn't the beginning of the bad feelings between them, but it was a start of something that I could not reverse.  After that, (and I'm sure many other things that I do not remember) I could not mention my SIL to my BFF without a heated conversation ensuing.

When I got pregnant with my first (and only) baby boy, my BFF was going to throw me a baby shower, since I had 4 girls and NO boy stuff!  She loves throwing showers and parties and has thrown me one for all my previous babies.  She's awesome like that!  In the process of planning, she asked me to prepare an invite list of the people I would like to invite.  So I did.  Of course my SIL was on that list...  my BFF had/has such heated, bad feelings for her that she told me that she would not allow her to be there.  I told her that I would not, NOT invite her.  She was my friend as well as my sister in law and I thought they could get along for a couple of hours in the same room together for the sake of me...  Well.  That was not to be.  My BFF told me that if I insisted on inviting my SIL to MY baby shower that not only would she not be in attendance, she would pull all support and not throw the shower at all!  I thought all of this was ludicrous, but she stuck to her guns.  My lovely, beautiful, wonderful mom and aunt came to the rescue and took over the baby shower for me and my SIL came... and my BFF did not.    This made me so very sad, and upset.  I'm still sad over it.  But that was only the beginning....

After that,  BFF's and my relationship was strained.  But it got better for a while... or at least I thought it did.
Then she started dating my husband's oldest brother.  My SIL is married to my husband's youngest brother.  So.  Hmmm...  I was actually very happy about this because if things worked out then my BFF would eventually turn into my SISTER!  That would be so fun! (or so I naively thought) But the problems started pretty much as soon as the secret was out. (They kept it a secret for a couple of months)  They attempted a couple of outings and things together, trying to find a common ground, but their personalities just didn't mesh well.  AT ALL.  They fought.  More family members got involved.  I got involved.  (Big mistake, but hard to avoid.  I was very caught in the middle...)  So that relationship also got strained.  They lasted a year or so.  Now they aren't together anymore.

All this time we were talking on the phone, seeing each other and acting like friends.  I was trying and mostly succeeding at keeping my relationships with the two separate.  It wasn't super hard.  I just had to not talk to one about the other.  And most of the time that was easy.  Whenever I mentioned my SIL to my BFF we would have to have a heated discussion.  My SIL is a different personality like I mentioned before.  Strong and teasing.  She likes to tease.  My BFF DOES NOT like to be teased.  They hate each other.  Plain and simple.

My heart is aching, because ever since my BFF and my oldest Brother in law broke up, we haven't been speaking.  I have tried multiple, many, many times to start a conversation, to talk, text, email...anything.  We can do small talk.  We can talk to each other about little, inconsequential things.  But if anything comes up that has to do with my SIL or my family or anything personal at all, it becomes a fight.  I can see that she is hurt.  I can see that she has built a wall.  But I am hurt too.  And I think the thing that hurts me the most is that she she can't see that.  She wont even try.  She wont talk to me.  And nothing is her fault.  She blames my SIL for everything that has gone wrong in every relationship that has fallen apart. (Mine and hers and hers and my BIL's)  She takes no blame on herself.  I think that hurts pretty badly too.  I am openly willing to take my part and apologize and ask forgiveness and wipe the slate clean.  But she is 100% closed off.  I think about her every day.  Every attempt I make at contacting her is ignored.  She has even blocked me from being able to post on her Facebook wall.  I can still see everything she posts, but can not post to her.  It's so frustrating and saddening to me!  I hate the thought of loosing a lifelong friend.  But I'm getting to the point of letting go.  I don't know if I will actually be able to do it, but I need to be able to move on.  To stop dwelling on it.  I know I am doing what I can to heal this relationship, but I can't do it alone!  I guess what I need to do is to fade into her background.  I need to be available for when/if she ever wants to rekindle this relationship... but I can't keep being hurt over and over by her indifference.  By her lack of caring/concern.  Because in my eyes that's exactly what it is!  I guess she may care.... but I don't feel it.  I can't find any caring in any of her actions or lack of.....  

I hope blogging about it will help me release it.  It's been a heavy burden to bear.  I can't talk to anyone about it.  I don't like hurting people.  I have been dubbed 'too nice' by many people.  I can't change that, and I don't think I would want to...  But I do have to let this go.  As much as it hurts.  I just don't know how.

If you are reading this BFF, know I love you.  Know I want our relationship back.  Know I miss you.
But also know that I am NOT going to be abused.  I am NOT going to take ALL the blame for things.  Nor do I think it is all my SIL's fault.  I'm sorry for all the hurt you have endured.  I have endured my fair share also.  I want to get over this.  I want you in my life.  But if you choose not to be in my life anymore....  I will be sad, but I will move on.  I wish you a wonderful, happy life.  I wish you all the goodness and love life can give you.  Always know I love you.

Daisy is 9!

 

So this last weekend, we had a fun time!  My mom, brother, sister-in-law and niece came to stay with us overnight to celebrate Daisy's 9th birthday!  What fun!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAISY MAE!!! 

 

 

Teighlor my sister-in-law, with Ryver and Elliot my niece.  What cuties!

Ryver was so excited to have all of them here!

 

 Grandma Jan with her two grandbabies born the same year, from her two kids!  :)  That will never happen again!  These two are destined to be BFF.  :)

 Daisy got a haul!  She even got a live fish, lucky girl!  (this picture doesn't even show half of her presents...)

 Sawyer loved having his cousin here too, cheese!

 One shot of the present opening, I have about a billion...

 Notice Sawyer...  we had to re-light the candle a couple of seconds after this.  :)
And yes we are all still in jammies because we were also getting ready for family pictures and I didn't want to have our cute picture clothes get cake and ice cream all over them.

 Wyllow actually got 2 cousins this year!  Elliot is my brothers baby girl, and 4 months older than Wyllow, and Landin is Dell's brothers little boy, born exactly10 weeks after Wyllow.  So she will have BFFs on both sides of the family close to her age!  Dell and his brothers were Elk hunting this weekend, so my other sister-in-law was also here, only stayed at my Mother-in-law's house, so we were overflowing with family and love!  <3 p="p">

 

I will post pictures later, but we got family pictures after this.  It was eventful also.  We did it in a field with some pretty trees and in the shade we were cold!  Brrr...  We had a lot of candid shots and some individual shots too.  While Teighlor and Elliot were getting individuals, my mom was trying to get Elliot to laugh. 

In the meantime, We were chatting amongst ourselves and McKade was playing with Mychigan and Daisy.  He was holding them and hugging them tight saying "Anaconda SQUEEZE!"  What he didn't realize was that he had Mychigan around the neck instead of the chest like he thought...  Well, when he let go, Mychigan fell to the ground.  We all thought she was faking at first, but realized almost instantly that something was seriously wrong.  Her eyes were out of focus, and her lips were purple and she was making little puffing noises with her mouth.  Sabryna was screaming her name and Mick was too.  I got down with her, handed the baby to Sabryna, and tried to see if she was breathing.  After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only like 30 seconds, she came to.  We realized she had passed out!  She was dazed and wondered why we were all surrounding her and why Sabryna was crying.  She said she felt like she had just been asleep.  :)  And she had  dream of princesses.  Traumatic for everyone but her.  (and the picture takers... they had no idea what was going on)  McKade felt awful and I was shaking for a good 10 minutes afterwards.  Sabryna is still having nightmares about it, because she thought she was dying.  I'm so glad passing out was all it was!  It makes you realize how fragile life is, and to make the most of every moment.  You never know when your last moment on earth is. 

I do not blame my brother, he was playing with my kids.  He loves them.  He would never hurt them intentionally.  I'm glad it turned out the way it did. 

And I'm so excited to get our pictures back!  :)

A year gone by...

Wow.  As of yesterday it's been a year since I have updated my blog.  I hope to not go that long again.  After so long, I decided to see if I could go a year.  I have wanted to post a couple of times, but I made myself wait.  I don't know why.  Sometimes I'm weird like that.  :) 

Lots of things have been happening in the last year!  Number 1 thing, is... we had another baby!  :)  Yes, we added yet another girl to this beautiful family, now we number 5 girls 1 boy.  :) 
                                                 Wyllow Madison Mead was born June 19th at 12:31 AM.  She weighed 7 lbs 4 ozs and was 20 inches long.  She is beautiful and wonderful and amazing.
Little brother Sawyer loves her so much!  All the big girls love her so much!  Her daddy and I love her so much!  I'm 99% sure she is the caboose of the family...  She's a good little caboose!

Sabryna started 9th grade this year, which means she's a HIGHSCHOOLER!  Ahhh!  She's beautiful and graceful and kind. 

Mychigan started 5th grade.  Where does the time go?  She's spunky and tempermental and sweet.

Daisy Mae started 3rd grade.  So weird, it seems like she should still be in 1st!  She's cute and sweet and a dreamer.

Ryver started Kindergarten!  Wow!  She seems too young, but she's so ready.  She's adorable and loving and amazing.

Sawyer is my little rambunctious 2 year old!  I love him like no other!  He's momma's little boyfriend.  He's got my heart.

Wyllow is 3 months old now.  Already growing up too fast!  She coos and is very social with people.  She's the heartbeat of the family right now.

Mychigan and Daisy have started Piano lessons.  I want all my children to have a love for music.  Sabryna is starting dance soon.  She has wanted to for a long time.  I think she will do well at it. 

Life is never boring here!

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby in February, 4 months before Wyllow.  Her name is Elliot Mae and she is so fantastic!  I love her so much! 

 Dell's brother and his wife also had a baby in August.  He is 4 weeks old now.  His name is Landin Quinn and he is beautiful. 

 

So much beauty and love.  I am so blessed!  :)

Happiness, Gratitude, Love, Contentment.

So, I have been trying, quite unsuccessfully to get my big ole body into shape. I have been walking/running every morning (a few were missed, yes) for the last 5 or so weeks. I have lost a total of 2 pounds and 0 inches. I'm discouraged at my lack of physical change, but I must say I do feel better mentally! I guess that's progress, even if it wasn't what I started out trying to do. :)

I don't know if my body will ever cooperate. It's frustrating, but I do know this. The people in my life who love me, love me for who I am, not what I look like. If they don't then they don't really love me. I am very, extremely, hugely blessed with so many who love me! Thank you all for that! I love you too. I know it's not what's on the outside, but the inside that counts. I do. But I also would like to 'like' to look at myself in the mirror. I do love myself. I am grateful for my body and my health and everything I have. And I have much. I am very blessed. I just would like my body to be a bit smaller...

One thing that is holding me back, is my eating habits. I don't want to eat rabbit food. I want to eat what I like and like what I eat. I don't eat totally awfully, but I don't eat the most healthfully either. I am trying the portion control method. Starting now. Also, I am taking my cousin's yearly no sugar challenge in October. I hope that does something. I'm not a health guru, nor do I ever want to be. I just want to drop a few pounds, be a little more healthy and happy. Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, the reason I started out like that was because I kind of had an epiphany this morning while walking. I don't know if that's what it was, but it was a kind of realization. I am blessed.

OK, I knew that already. I have known that for a long time. I am supremely grateful for that. But in thinking over and thanking my Heavenly Father for my blessings this morning, I came to a realization. I am blessed in more and deeper ways than I have ever thought of. Or realized. Probably more than I will EVER realize. I know we all are, but I was thinking personally... of course. :)

Ever since I can remember, I have tried to be good. To be a good person, to make good choices. I didn't always succeed, as we all make mistakes, but I think thus far, I have done a pretty good job. It's always been just something that's there, it's hard to explain, but I just never WANTED to do bad things. Ever. Of course I have done bad things and made mistakes, but I always tried my hardest to right things and fix them when I did. And still do. Also, bad things have happened to me. Things beyond my control. I feel the pain of those things. I go through the bad. But I think I have a gift (another thing I realized this morning) of buffering the pain soon after the bad thing happened. I don't know, but it seems when I look back at the things in my life that hurt me the most, I was able to cope better than I imagined I could. I think that is the gift of the Spirit, comforting me. Does that mean I'm open to the Spirit? I think most of the time I am. I have my moments I'm sure when I'm not, but I think for the most part, my Spirit is open for the Holy Ghost to comfort me when I am in need of that. And also to guide me. I don't do all the things in my life that I should by far, I am flawed and human. But I am trying and growing, I hope. I think I am close enough to the Spirit that I can be comforted in my times of need. I think that is a great blessing.

I don't know. Maybe I'm rambling. I just feel like I am blessed to have a sunny outlook on life most of the time. Even in hard times. Like now. Dell has a job, but it's isn't enough to sustain us permanently. He needs a better job. A permanent job. He got laid off almost a year ago! That has been the biggest hardship as a couple we have faced together. I was so scared when they announced the layoffs, but it turns out we have done OK. Better than I thought we would. But we need a good job. Soon. I also know that we will get though this. We will look back and think "that wasn't so bad..." or at least I will. :)

My sister dying. That was the worst thing I have gone through personally. Spiritually. Mentally. Physically. It still hurts every day. But I know she isn't gone forever! I know I will see her again! It really sucks that I have to wait, I don't have much patience... but I know. I am SO grateful for that knowledge!!! I have been comforted. The pain is there, but buffered. I will always miss her. But I can go on.

I know I could probably go on and on and on...... It's kind of hard to explain in words how I feel. I will say, I just feel happy and blessed. I love my life and wouldn't change it for anything! I wouldn't trade my good times, nor would I change my trials, and hard times. They are mine. I am grateful to have all that I have. Nothing that I have that I am truly grateful for can be bought, it has nothing to do with money! (well.... except for my home and transportation) Family and Friends and Love. That is where it's at. And right there... I have it all.

Too Much Hospital!!!

Wow! Long time no blog! We have had kind of a busy summer!

So April was crappy with Sawyer being in the hospital for a week with RSV, and then we had consecutive hospital visits in May and June! Wow, done now right? Please!

In May, a couple of days after school ended, Mychigan was riding her bike and was going too fast when she crashed. She flew over the handlebars and landed on both of her wrists then rolling and smacking her head and side and legs too. We went into the emergency room because it happened at 8 PM, and nothing else was open. She had X-rays, because we thought she had broken both of her wrists. Thankfully, she didn't, but she sprained them and bruised them up really good. She was in double splints for a couple of weeks... Poor baby! But she took it well... :( So then came June. We did fine through the whole month, until on Sunday June 26th, Sabryna started having cramping type pains. She felt like she would throw up and did several times. She had a low grade fever. She had such severe pain in her abdomen that she couldn't walk upright. She said that the pain started in her belly button and then moved lower, concentrated on her right side, but still had pain through her whole abdomen. So I decided to look up the symptoms of appendicitis on the Internet, and she had EVERY ONE!!! So to the ER we headed again.

The doctors there took some blood, started and IV, urine sample, and an ultrasound. All were negative. She had an elevated white count, and a slightly enlarged spleen. They said they thought it was Mono. (?!?! Duh!) They didn't want to do a CT scan because they didn't want to expose her to that much radiation, and "damage my grandchildren". Urg. Dumb hospital! They sent us home, with orders to come back in the morning and sooner if her pain didn't get better or got worse through the night. We made it to the parking lot. She was still in so much pain, that after debating in the car for a while, we went back in and told them we wanted to be admitted. I wanted the CT scan, and further testing. So they called the pediatrician (THANK YOU!) and he ordered a CT scan. Lo and behold! She had an appendicitis! Just like I thought in the beginning. So, at 12:45 AM on June 27th, Sabryna had her appendix out. It was a crazy time, but super glad I didn't take her home!!!

She had a drain tube that we got taken out two days later, and she even went to girls camp later that day! Needless to say she is healing well. :) So far Summer has been a crazy ride!

I think I'm ready for some boring.... :)

RSV SUCKS

Last week (starting Friday April 8th) we all got sick. Like the whole family. Ugh. Stomach flu. That sucked big time, I was cleaning up puke while I was feeling like puking. And puking. And more puking. That lasted about 3 days. Then all of us except Dell and Mychigan started in with a head cold. Argh. Well, at least our tummy's felt better. I hate head colds too, but I would take one of those over a stomach flu any day.
Sawyer was right in the middle of it with us all, puking and coughing and the works. Thursday-ish (April 14th) we were all starting to perk up. Still had a lot of snot and coughing, but generally feeling much better. All of us except Sawyer. He was still in the middle of it, so it seemed. Friday seemed a little better during the day, but I held him while I rocked him until 1 AM Saturday morning. He was worrying me. He was feverish, but only low grade. He was lethargic. Saturday came and he was still very sicky. I decided to take him to the dr.
The clinic where I live is small and only open until noon on Saturdays. We got in by 11 AM and saw the NP or whatever he is, not the real Dr. He said he had a low grade fever and sounded like asthma, so sent us home with some samples of medicine to put in our nebulizer, and sent us home.
The nebulizer didn't work. He was still going downhill. He was still lethargic, didn't want to move, play, anything. Didn't want to eat, or drink much either. Saturday night was another scary night. Sunday I got up and decided to get ready for church, thinking that he might perk up. Took him to Sacrament (sorry for any germ spreading we did) and he still just wanted to sleep and lay and be lethargic. After Sacrament Dell brought me home and I put Sawyer in bed. I sat there and thought and thought. I felt like this was something more than just a normal head cold for him. I felt like I needed to take him to the ER. But I debated. I didn't want them to say "He's ok, it's just a cold, go home" Because if I was taking him to the ER, I wasn't going to go to the closer 'Castleview Hospital' also known as "Casketview Hospital". I was going to go 2 and a half hours to the big good hospital in Provo. So I debated a little more. Then I just felt like I just needed to go. He was just laying on the frontroom floor awake, but not wanting to do anything. So sad! So scary! Sabryna wanted to go with us, and we decided that would probably be the best thing too, so she could help me with him on the way up. That ended up being a good thing. She was a big help to me. We got to the ER around 3:30 PM and they got us right in. I was a little worried we were in for a long wait because life flight came flying up right as we parked in the parking lot. But there was no wait for us. In the ER, they did some breathing treatments, got him hooked up to some monitors, started an IV and got a chest X-Ray (awful, awful). After about an hour, they had been in contact with my doctor, which just so happened to be on call, and he wanted us admitted.


In the meantime, they were running tests, and soon after we got up to our room, they came in and told us it was RSV. I was sad, but happy that we had an answer!


Since then he has been suctioned and been on oxygen, been on IV fluids and a O2 monitor. He has steadily improved every day, with a few little setbacks. Every day the Dr. would come in and say "well, another 24 hours and we will see how he is tomorrow"... Today he said "Well, I would probably send you home this afternoon, but since you live so far away and nights tend to be worse, I will say that you will go home tomorrow. 90% sure." I'm so happy! I'm stir crazy in here, I can't imagine Sawyer! He did a big blowout in his diaper today and got to take a real bath. They took out his IV, and unhooked all monitors except his O2. That's the one they watch like a hawk. He is doing SO much better! It's awesome to have my happy, healthy baby back!


That's the long story. The short version; RSV SUCKS.

In the ER. Just plain doesn't feel good. Stupid sickness anyway!

Sabryna my big helper. I don't know what I would have done without her that day.

Admitted to the hospital. :(

Happy Baby got a bath today!

Oh so wonderful! He's flirting with his momma again! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY(s) !!!

It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks for me! My Mychigan turned 9 on March 16th, and I can't believe it! :) I say that every year, but it really does go by so fast.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!! Today is my sweet baby Sawyer's #1 birthday! He's so cute, I can't even stand it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU MY LIL' MAN!!!

I love you both so much! :)