Pain and letting go.

Wow!  It just took me an hour to get into my account!  I guess that means it has been WAY too long since I have last blogged!  Sorry any followers who are still following me...

So it's been a year an a half since I last posted.  Too Long.  I have been through a lot in that time, not a lot of which I remember...  but I don't want to go over it all anyway.  Kids have grown, dinner has been made, school has started, ended, and started again, money has been made and spent, family has enlarged, joy and tragedy has happened, friends have been made and lost...  Many things have happened.  Life has happened.

The thing that has been on my mind most lately is friendship.  One friend in particular.  We actually met as babies/small children, but didn't actually start a friendship until we were 14.  We have been inseparable best friends since then and even through distance separated us a lot of the time, we maintained our friendship.  Through phone calls mostly and then when Facebook came out, that way.   We went through everything together.  High school, dances, dating, marriage, pregnancies, babies, medical issues, divorce, family tragedies, ... everything!  Then one year, I got a new sister-in-law.  Pretty much immediately they didn't get along.  It was fine though because they didn't have much opportunity to speak to or see one another anyway.  I would talk to one, I would talk to the other.  My sister in law and I were fast becoming close friends.  Which normally is fine, my best friend and I each have other friends, we haven't been jealous of the others friends in any other instance.  But... my SIL, well she is a strong personality, and she is a caller.  I'm more of a quiet personality and I'm not a caller.  I don't call people.  Normally if I talk on the phone, I am not the caller.  My BFF also is a caller.  I can definitely hold my own in the talking department, I just don't usually initiate the call.  It has ALWAYS been this way!!!  But I guess it started to bug my BFF that I was talking to my SIL every day.  I actually don't know that, but I got that impression.  I don't know if she was jealous.  I imagine I would be if the situation were reversed.  And she dealt with it for a very long time quietly and without complaint.  Then there came a time that I had quite a large argument/fight with my SIL and I was hurt (and I'm sure she was too) and I vented to my BFF about it.  Mistake.  I should not have done that.  It wasn't the beginning of the bad feelings between them, but it was a start of something that I could not reverse.  After that, (and I'm sure many other things that I do not remember) I could not mention my SIL to my BFF without a heated conversation ensuing.

When I got pregnant with my first (and only) baby boy, my BFF was going to throw me a baby shower, since I had 4 girls and NO boy stuff!  She loves throwing showers and parties and has thrown me one for all my previous babies.  She's awesome like that!  In the process of planning, she asked me to prepare an invite list of the people I would like to invite.  So I did.  Of course my SIL was on that list...  my BFF had/has such heated, bad feelings for her that she told me that she would not allow her to be there.  I told her that I would not, NOT invite her.  She was my friend as well as my sister in law and I thought they could get along for a couple of hours in the same room together for the sake of me...  Well.  That was not to be.  My BFF told me that if I insisted on inviting my SIL to MY baby shower that not only would she not be in attendance, she would pull all support and not throw the shower at all!  I thought all of this was ludicrous, but she stuck to her guns.  My lovely, beautiful, wonderful mom and aunt came to the rescue and took over the baby shower for me and my SIL came... and my BFF did not.    This made me so very sad, and upset.  I'm still sad over it.  But that was only the beginning....

After that,  BFF's and my relationship was strained.  But it got better for a while... or at least I thought it did.
Then she started dating my husband's oldest brother.  My SIL is married to my husband's youngest brother.  So.  Hmmm...  I was actually very happy about this because if things worked out then my BFF would eventually turn into my SISTER!  That would be so fun! (or so I naively thought) But the problems started pretty much as soon as the secret was out. (They kept it a secret for a couple of months)  They attempted a couple of outings and things together, trying to find a common ground, but their personalities just didn't mesh well.  AT ALL.  They fought.  More family members got involved.  I got involved.  (Big mistake, but hard to avoid.  I was very caught in the middle...)  So that relationship also got strained.  They lasted a year or so.  Now they aren't together anymore.

All this time we were talking on the phone, seeing each other and acting like friends.  I was trying and mostly succeeding at keeping my relationships with the two separate.  It wasn't super hard.  I just had to not talk to one about the other.  And most of the time that was easy.  Whenever I mentioned my SIL to my BFF we would have to have a heated discussion.  My SIL is a different personality like I mentioned before.  Strong and teasing.  She likes to tease.  My BFF DOES NOT like to be teased.  They hate each other.  Plain and simple.

My heart is aching, because ever since my BFF and my oldest Brother in law broke up, we haven't been speaking.  I have tried multiple, many, many times to start a conversation, to talk, text, email...anything.  We can do small talk.  We can talk to each other about little, inconsequential things.  But if anything comes up that has to do with my SIL or my family or anything personal at all, it becomes a fight.  I can see that she is hurt.  I can see that she has built a wall.  But I am hurt too.  And I think the thing that hurts me the most is that she she can't see that.  She wont even try.  She wont talk to me.  And nothing is her fault.  She blames my SIL for everything that has gone wrong in every relationship that has fallen apart. (Mine and hers and hers and my BIL's)  She takes no blame on herself.  I think that hurts pretty badly too.  I am openly willing to take my part and apologize and ask forgiveness and wipe the slate clean.  But she is 100% closed off.  I think about her every day.  Every attempt I make at contacting her is ignored.  She has even blocked me from being able to post on her Facebook wall.  I can still see everything she posts, but can not post to her.  It's so frustrating and saddening to me!  I hate the thought of loosing a lifelong friend.  But I'm getting to the point of letting go.  I don't know if I will actually be able to do it, but I need to be able to move on.  To stop dwelling on it.  I know I am doing what I can to heal this relationship, but I can't do it alone!  I guess what I need to do is to fade into her background.  I need to be available for when/if she ever wants to rekindle this relationship... but I can't keep being hurt over and over by her indifference.  By her lack of caring/concern.  Because in my eyes that's exactly what it is!  I guess she may care.... but I don't feel it.  I can't find any caring in any of her actions or lack of.....  

I hope blogging about it will help me release it.  It's been a heavy burden to bear.  I can't talk to anyone about it.  I don't like hurting people.  I have been dubbed 'too nice' by many people.  I can't change that, and I don't think I would want to...  But I do have to let this go.  As much as it hurts.  I just don't know how.

If you are reading this BFF, know I love you.  Know I want our relationship back.  Know I miss you.
But also know that I am NOT going to be abused.  I am NOT going to take ALL the blame for things.  Nor do I think it is all my SIL's fault.  I'm sorry for all the hurt you have endured.  I have endured my fair share also.  I want to get over this.  I want you in my life.  But if you choose not to be in my life anymore....  I will be sad, but I will move on.  I wish you a wonderful, happy life.  I wish you all the goodness and love life can give you.  Always know I love you.

RSV SUCKS

Last week (starting Friday April 8th) we all got sick. Like the whole family. Ugh. Stomach flu. That sucked big time, I was cleaning up puke while I was feeling like puking. And puking. And more puking. That lasted about 3 days. Then all of us except Dell and Mychigan started in with a head cold. Argh. Well, at least our tummy's felt better. I hate head colds too, but I would take one of those over a stomach flu any day.
Sawyer was right in the middle of it with us all, puking and coughing and the works. Thursday-ish (April 14th) we were all starting to perk up. Still had a lot of snot and coughing, but generally feeling much better. All of us except Sawyer. He was still in the middle of it, so it seemed. Friday seemed a little better during the day, but I held him while I rocked him until 1 AM Saturday morning. He was worrying me. He was feverish, but only low grade. He was lethargic. Saturday came and he was still very sicky. I decided to take him to the dr.
The clinic where I live is small and only open until noon on Saturdays. We got in by 11 AM and saw the NP or whatever he is, not the real Dr. He said he had a low grade fever and sounded like asthma, so sent us home with some samples of medicine to put in our nebulizer, and sent us home.
The nebulizer didn't work. He was still going downhill. He was still lethargic, didn't want to move, play, anything. Didn't want to eat, or drink much either. Saturday night was another scary night. Sunday I got up and decided to get ready for church, thinking that he might perk up. Took him to Sacrament (sorry for any germ spreading we did) and he still just wanted to sleep and lay and be lethargic. After Sacrament Dell brought me home and I put Sawyer in bed. I sat there and thought and thought. I felt like this was something more than just a normal head cold for him. I felt like I needed to take him to the ER. But I debated. I didn't want them to say "He's ok, it's just a cold, go home" Because if I was taking him to the ER, I wasn't going to go to the closer 'Castleview Hospital' also known as "Casketview Hospital". I was going to go 2 and a half hours to the big good hospital in Provo. So I debated a little more. Then I just felt like I just needed to go. He was just laying on the frontroom floor awake, but not wanting to do anything. So sad! So scary! Sabryna wanted to go with us, and we decided that would probably be the best thing too, so she could help me with him on the way up. That ended up being a good thing. She was a big help to me. We got to the ER around 3:30 PM and they got us right in. I was a little worried we were in for a long wait because life flight came flying up right as we parked in the parking lot. But there was no wait for us. In the ER, they did some breathing treatments, got him hooked up to some monitors, started an IV and got a chest X-Ray (awful, awful). After about an hour, they had been in contact with my doctor, which just so happened to be on call, and he wanted us admitted.


In the meantime, they were running tests, and soon after we got up to our room, they came in and told us it was RSV. I was sad, but happy that we had an answer!


Since then he has been suctioned and been on oxygen, been on IV fluids and a O2 monitor. He has steadily improved every day, with a few little setbacks. Every day the Dr. would come in and say "well, another 24 hours and we will see how he is tomorrow"... Today he said "Well, I would probably send you home this afternoon, but since you live so far away and nights tend to be worse, I will say that you will go home tomorrow. 90% sure." I'm so happy! I'm stir crazy in here, I can't imagine Sawyer! He did a big blowout in his diaper today and got to take a real bath. They took out his IV, and unhooked all monitors except his O2. That's the one they watch like a hawk. He is doing SO much better! It's awesome to have my happy, healthy baby back!


That's the long story. The short version; RSV SUCKS.

In the ER. Just plain doesn't feel good. Stupid sickness anyway!

Sabryna my big helper. I don't know what I would have done without her that day.

Admitted to the hospital. :(

Happy Baby got a bath today!

Oh so wonderful! He's flirting with his momma again! :)

A pet rat funeral

We have had a couple of sad days around here.
Our pet rat Snickers died on Saturday. She had a tumor in her belly and she just slowed down as it grew and finally passed away.
Sabryna has been the most sad as Snickers was her pet for the most part.
It's a sad part of life that we have to deal with.
We had a funeral for her and we are going to paint her name on a headstone (Sabryna's idea).
Go see this post to see pictures of her, I don't have them on my computer anymore since we got our new one. The pictures are at the bottom of the post.

Goodbye Snickers, We will miss you.