****Warning....Long post ahead****
We have been sickly around our house lately. Ugh. Not fun. I have said it before...Mom's are not supposed to get sick!!! Especially when everyone else needs to be taken care of. Oh well...we are over the hump of it I think anyway.
I have been thinking lately that I need to work on my mothering skills. I don't know what it is, but lately I have been feeling like a bad mom. Logically, I know I'm not, that I am a good mom and trying the best I can. But emotionally...that's another story.
My oldest told me the other night, that she sometimes wondered if I love her. Um...seriously? How can she wonder that? Yes, I yell. But I'm working on that and have done better, or so I thought. I don't beat them or even spank them, and rarely even put them on time out. No, they don't get everything they want, and I may say no more than I should, but ... maybe in her little girl mind, that equals me not loving her . ?? I don't get it. It kills me. In all my life, I never doubted my mom's love for me. She wasn't perfect, she yelled, she was a normal mom....yet through it all, I knew I was the most important thing to her and that she loved me more than anything. She never had to remind me of that. Of course she always told me she loved me every day, and so do I with my children. I just knew in my heart that her love would always be there no matter what I did, no matter what happened, no matter what. Are my kids just too young to know this? Should I not be asking if she knows that my love will never change, except to grow bigger? That the moment she came into the world I loved her more than even I knew I could love? Is 10 too young to understand that? Or am I doing something wrong, to make her doubt my love for her? I can't be perfect, and it feels like I have to be. Like I can't make mistakes, yell, get upset, discipline or anything to her....or she will feel like I don't love her. Man! Teenage-hood is creeping up on me and I feel like this is all just going to be magnified ten fold if I don't resolve it soon. (Like I said before...logically I know she knows I love her...but when she says something like that to me with tears in her eyes...emotionally it tears me up inside and I can't let go of it)
She's not the only one that makes me feel like that either. My two middles always call out for daddy when they are hurt or upset. Aren't they supposed to call for mommy? Isn't mommy the one who is supposed to make all the hurts go away and make your world alright again? Yesterday Daisy got stung by a bee...She came in screaming and I took her to the sink. She immediately started crying "I want daddy, I want daddy"... He's not there...what do I say? I bite my tongue because I want to say something not so nice...but I'm the mom (should be mature...right?) and she's only 4, so I say "Daddy's at work..." and set to work making it all better. Then she gets hurt a little later on her foot and screams "I want daddy!!!!" It just kills me. I realize she is only 4, but it still hurts. My 6 year old does it too. Whenever she is upset it's always "I want daddy"... with her though, I know she's trying to hurt my feelings and get a reaction, so I don't. She's the one I know most how to deal with, even though she sometimes is the hardest. It still hurts when all of your kids besides the baby (who I'm sure will be a big daddy's girl too) want daddy when they are hurt or sick, and in my opinion, it just goes against nature! Don't get me wrong, I love that they love their daddy and that they want him, and when he is here I
I just hope it doesn't take until they have their own babies for that to happen. I really want to have a good relationship with all my girls...their whole lives. I know we will have our arguments and problems and issues, but I hope for the most part that we have a good, close relationship.
I guess it's all a mother can hope for.
Please feel free to give any advice you have, but please be kind...I don't know if I can take any bashing....I'm already pretty emotional!!!
10 comments:
OH Steph...this breaks my heart.
i can feel the love you have for your children everytime i visit your blog. i know you are doing a great job with them i see the love they have for you too.
i think all moms wonder if they are doing enough, if they say yes enough and if their kids know how much they love them.
i don't know if i have any great advice..i am pretty open about what i do to show my kid love and i know she knows i love her. but i would never consider my way the best way and i am totally learning and making mistakes everyday.
i think it's the little things. she and her daddy have a much tighter bond than she and i do. i was the same way with my dad. i think its just a father daughter thing. but i also think he REALLY works on it...he makes her lunch everyday and takes a bite out of her sandwich before packing it up, they have a little notebook that they pass back and forth everynight leaving each other a little note about their day (this is something i think YOU can do with your oldest...you and her and it can also open up another way to communicate heart to heart), they also have a little sign language thing they do. with their fingers 1-4-3 (i love you) and the other person answers back with 2 fingers up (i love you too). love is most def in the little things.
we are constantly telling J how much we love her. we stop her and grab her for a big not-gonna-let-you-go hug whenever she walks past us. she use to squirm and try and break free but now she just holds tight back...cuz she pretty much has no choice, we don't let go until a real hug is returned. lol it's a fun game now...we love it and i think she does too.
i don't know if any of this helps...i think you mostly need to remember that 10 is highly hormonal and she may have been saying she didn't know just to hear you say you most def did.
i can't imagine spreading my love 4 ways (though i would love to know how that feels)...i think you are doing an amazing job. i am pretty sure it was just a bad day. it will pass. but take it as a reminder and don't dwell on it.
remember what you pay attention to grows...so focus on the up and not the down.
chocolate...it will make you feel better. and when all else fails there are always the dogs. ;)
HUG! hang in there. i think you are awesome! i really do.
There will be no bashing from me!! It actually makes me feel a little better to hear that another mom struggles with the same things that I do. I wish I had some magic words to make it all better but "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard!" I think most moms struggle with this at some point -- especially with daughters. Keep praying and doing what you know is right. Maybe have a heart to heart with your oldest and tell her what you said in your post. I don't think she is too young to understand that mommies are not perfect but no matter what we love them more than words can say. I hope that helps a little and good luck!!!
What an emotional post! I can relate to most of it as it hurts so much when they ask for daddy and you just feel as though all you are is the taxi driver cook cleaner etc not the mummy. They love you more than they know and have no idea how their words hurt you. If you think about it, did you have any idea what your mother really went through until you had your own children. I certainly didn't. Keep at it, you're great!
xx
Thank you all...you make my heart swell...I'm feeling the love. Thanks!
That is rough! Motherhood is not for the feint of heart. Kids can sometimes be cruel on purpose, but most of the time they are just trying to figure out this whole thing called life and where they fit in it.
Aww Steph! This makes me so sad. I think girls are just like that with their dads. (I was, and my mother is wonderful!) It also has to do with Dad being gone all day...you miss him more when he's gone, Mom is always there, so easier to take that for granted. (if they only knew!) I think they all go through stages too, they will lean towards one of you more at different times. Maybe your daughter is going through a self-doubt stage and it has nothing to do with you, she just needs validation. They know you love them! You sound like an AMAZING mother!
Okay, who wrote this post? Because I swore I could've written it!
I think with little girls, they naturally want their Daddy, their protector, to make it all better.
Don't beat yourself up for being the best Mommy that you can be! None of us are perfect. I yell and I'm a pastor's wife. I think the point is that whenever we mess up and we do spank or we do yell, we need to take a breather, then talk to and apologize to the children. Apologies go a long way, even for a tiny infraction!
Keep your chin up!
Dear sweet niece - you've never heard "I want mommy" because they are with you when these owwies happen. When they are not with you and get hurt, my bet is they say, "I want mommy." You are already there making them feel better, they just want it doubled by having daddy there too. You know you are a good mom and they love you. Hope this helps. Moigner.
Ok, well, my answer is private and to my Baby only,(e-mail, not blog) but for those of you out there who know my sweet Stephie, there cannot be a better Mother in this world! Thanks for all of your sweet posts, Moms! Do you get it, Steph? You are NOT the Lone Ranger! I love you more than my life! God smiled when He gave me YOU! You have my Heart!
Mom
Steph, I so understand what you are feeling (or felt, since the post was a few weeks ago). I echo the thought that Daddy always comes to mind when in tense moments because he's not around as often as Mom is. When he comes home it's special time because it's not run-of-the-mill-make-you-do-your-homework-mommy-time. It's I'm-going-to-hide-grom-daddy-and-he-will-tickle-me-til-I-cry-time. What fun! Also in the instant of kids getting hurt and crying for Daddy, I think they cry for Dad because they just want another way out of what they know might be painful (cleaning a wound, removing a stinger).
Also, here's a random thought. Our kids watch so many dramatic movies now that their expectations of how to show love are dramatic and different from what real life is. Not that you should stop letting them watch movies, but perhaps to give you perspective. Ask Sabryna what showing love means to her and what she does to show love to you. While I'm typing this it occurs to me to refer you to a book called "The Five Love Languages." There is one for adults and a love languages for children. I read the adult one and it was a great awakening!
But in general, I go through "I need to be a better mommy/wife" phase sometimes too. In those times, I find I can read all sorts of books about parenting or such, but reading the scriptures and praying helps me find my center again. I usually find out that it's not my mothering skills that were suffering, but my feelings about myself, which I believe the kids can interpret and somehow seem to work off of (for good or bad).
You are a wonderful mother, with so much love to give, and have given that your girls think that's normal. That's a pretty good thing to become accustomed to, they are very fortunate!
Btw, I'm doing great with the no candy - did you take the challenge?
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